Suicidal tendencies

Song of the day:
Eins Zwo - Danke, gut!

I think if it could, my body would abandon me; at least that's what it feels like right now.
After taking a long walk along one of the lakes around lunchtime, I spent pretty much the entire afternoon torturing myself in the gym. After roughly two and a half hours of weight training, I decided I'd finally try out one of the endurance programs the gym offers .. and spent the next 60 minutes desperatly gasping for air, trying to keep up with everyone else's speed. My physical constitution is way worse than I realized. But it was well worth it: I was the only guy in the entire room, with about 35 adorably cute and well-trained (and well-proportioned!) girls. And everyone was smiling at me, which was motivating enough by itself to keep going even though all my body wanted to do was collapse. 'Mind over body' is a fascinating thing, really...

Afterwards, I kept on smiling until I reached the locker room, where I let my body have its way and collapsed on the bench, kept lying there for a few minutes, dragged myself to the showers and collapsed again under the warm water. It felt fantastic nevertheless. :)

It's been way overdue that I physically exhausted myself like this, and I can already feel sleep creeping up on me. I definitely won't have trouble sleeping this night.
Tomorrow afternoon, I'm planning to go to that endurance training again. It'll damn sure take my mind off work, maybe function as a mild stress-reliever, and it'll just as surely help me finding restful sleep at night.

And that's where I'm headed now.

Ta-taa!

P.S: 5 days 'til Bonn. Can't wait for it!

One step forward, two steps back

Song of this post:
30 Seconds to Mars - End of the Beginning

I love rollercoasters. I love riding them blindfolded. Yes, I've actually done that, it's one hell of a lot of fun.
I don't like riding them blindfolded not knowing how long they are though. It kinda takes the thrill out of the whole thing when it doesn't seem to end .. and after a while, you just feel your sore bum and shoulders, get tired of it and want to get off the damn thing again. But it's not over yet, you're stuck there, strapped into the safeties, and it just goes on and on and on...

I've been promoted. Officially. With a pay raise and all that. I also signed for another year.
I've not had a good private life for about 3 months now. I'd even settle for a bad private life to be honest.
I've managed to go to the gym again, three times in the past 2 weeks.
My body is a wreck.

Tuesday afternoon, my body tried the emergency brake for the first time in a while. Gave a little warning *beep*, literally even: it was all I could hear for about 10-15 minutes on my right ear. I didn't pay much attention, although it was damn inconvenient and disorienting.
So my body tried a bit harder during the night, and flatlined me on Wednesday, with a killer coktail: Headache from Hell^TM meets Upset Stomach, also featuring high temperature and more *beep* in my right ear.
Wasn't exactly one of my best days. I pretty much only moved to get to the doctor and back, which was torture by itself thanks to the headache. If your head feels like it's gonna explode just by turning it very, very slowly to shift your lying position in bed (because your back feels sore already) ... walking around feels like breakdancing across a minefield.
The doc told me I should take better care in regards to my sleep, my nutrition and eating in general, and that I should do more sports and get out more. When asked if I wanted a few days off of work, I declined.
Lots of aspirin, and about 30 hours of sleep between Tuesday 8pm and Thursday 8am seemed to have cured my body, or at least put me back in control. Spent too much time in the office right away and ... you guessed it, Friday had my body back in control and me on the passenger seat. Wasn't as bad this time, just a minor headache and overall tiredness.
So I spent the day doing nothing, pretty much sleepwalking in the flat, watching a movie in the evening. Totally passed out during a chat S, just falling asleep between three of her lines, waking up because I hit my head on the table. Went to bed then ... and now it's 0239am and I'm wide awake. Well, awake enough to not be able to fall asleep anyways.

I called N earlier. I'm a bit homesick at the moment, or lost, I don't know. Anyways, I called her, and we talked for almost 45 minutes. I don't really know what I expected, but it didn't happen. I just feel empty inside...

I'll be in Bonn 2 weeks from now, for a short weekend. I wish I had more time, could take an extra day or two to actually settle in, meet everyone and spend some quality time with them all. Guess it'll have to do as it is.
In any case, I'm absolutely thrilled and so looking forward to it.
Weird as it may seem considering that I've only lived there for about one and a half years, Bonn is what I think of when I think of 'home'.
Maybe it's because it's the place where I was truly on my own for the first time, truly away from home, doing my things without having to worry about all the extra baggage that was always around at my parents' place (and still is); maybe it's because I've met so many great, amazing people there, people I miss now that I'm here in Tampere. It's crazy how you always seem to realize how much you value something once you don't have it around anymore, how much things are taken for granted when you seemingly can access them any time you want.

I might be in the process of falling in love again. There, I actually said it.
And although I've technically known her for over a year now, although I actually only know her for about 3 weeks now, we seem to have connected nicely; we can talk openly, I can mostly be myself and I don't even have to put the cynical, sarcastic part of me away. She's cute, good-looking, nice, she worries about me, she makes me laugh ... and it seems she thinks the same about me.
Of course there's a catch, there always is one with me, right? Right.
The catch is: she's in Germany.

I really wanna give it a try, for once forget about that little pessimist voice in my head that keeps proclaiming how little sense this is making. But I've not managed to silence that little bugger completely yet, he keeps popping his ugly head up, defiantly yelling at me "Idiot, 1500 kilometers, and you barely even know her!"
And on a matter-of-fact basis, that little voice is right. Starting a relationship over the internet, over a distance of 1500 kilometers, without a chance of actually seeing each other, being confined to chats and the occasional phonecall .. it does seem a bit ridiculous. I mean, what's a relationship about, if it isn't being together?

And then I tell myself to take a deep breath, shift a gear back. I'm already thinking about stuff that's not even there yet. So much a hostage of the workings of my ever-working and scheming brain that I'm seeing threats that aren't even anywhere near reality.
And as arrogant as it may sound: sometimes I wish I had been blessed with a minor intellect. Because this is a bloody pain in the ass!

Anyways. In 2 weeks, when I'm in Bonn, I'll be seeing her. From there, I'll see how things evolve.

I'm sure there's some more loops and twists and sudden turns ahead on this rollercoaster...

Ta-taa.